Who I Am Sexually

When I was nine years old, I looked through my parent’s bedrooms keyhole because I was curious about the weird noise coming out of there. What I saw didn’t shock me one bit due to growing up with two brothers and three sisters who had prepared me for situations like this. My parents are very sexual and most of my culture supports a liberal way of thinking. Therefore, my background, childhood, and where I grew up plays an important role in my sexual development, my views and believes. People have always told me my puberty started when I was three years of age.

They described me as different, just because I had a unique view of things. In kindergarten, my teacher noticed me flirting with guys and when I was alone I started playing with myself and discovering new aspects of my body, even so I didn’t know what I was doing. All this, I realize now, was my parents’ fault. It was normal for me to enter the dinning room in the morning and finding my parents cuddling and feeding each other. Even so they are high class, they never let anybody influence their way of expressing their love.

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Sometimes I was embarrassed when they were making out in public and relatives or friends made some kind of comment because they were more conservative or offended. But thinking about them in a psychological way, I can clearly see where they are coming from. Both were married before and my dads’ wife turned out to be a lesbian who didn’t want to sleep with him at the end of their relationship and my mums’ husband was lazy, quit his job and gained lots of weight. After being unhappy for a long time, they finally met at a work related conference and started seeing each other on a regular basis.

When I read their folders full of love letters I can imagine how they created there own little world, trying to run away from their day-to-day life they hated so much. Everybody was surprised when they got divorced, bought a big house in another city and started all over again without any money and five children to take care of. As the youngest and my parents only child, I have always been the spoiled one who had to deal with the siblings’ jealousy and criticism. This is probably the reason why I’m very close to my parents and honestly, they are the most important people in my life.

Once I turned fourteen, the legal age to have sex in Germany, I introduced my first real boyfriend to my parents. The next day, my mum took me to her doctor and got me a prescription for a contraception pill. She constantly made me talk to her about everything, especially my love life. I valued it, because she tried to prevent me from making the same mistakes she made when she was younger and thought it was better for me to experience sexual contact with different boys before I get married to the first guy I’d fall in love with. For some reason, European thinking about partying, sex and drugs is way different.

In my opinion, these three categories are strongly related to each other. Our laws allow us to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol with the young age of sixteen what forces us to grow up earlier and be responsible and independent. A lot of Americans think this is crazy, but they didn’t grow up in Germany. Surprisingly our open-minded system results in way better outcomes – nobody has problems with sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and even rapists almost don’t exist. Sex isn’t necessarily related to having babies or getting serious about a relationship.

It’s seen as a natural desire and our body is a beautiful gift we should be proud of. We get taught to be aware of what’s good for us, the people around us and to be fair in our actions. I seriously don’t know anybody who got pregnant without being married, and when my sister gave birth to a beautiful boy with the age of 21, it was really unusual and a disaster for my family. Education is a very serious subject, probably because going to University is payed by the government and even poor people get a chance to prove themselves.

Young adults have to fulfill higher expectations, and they don’t get married before they can offer a financially good life to their partner and children. The role of women in Europe is different as well. Females get payed the same in jobs males get payed more here in the USA. They can climb up the career ladder fast if they perform good and almost every woman I know works. It would be impossible otherwise, because living in Germany is more expensive due to higher standards. Being only a mother is seen as lazy and non educated.

My mum employed a nanny when I was three months old and I never had any issues. Because she made those steps, she is a principal now and makes it possible for me to live in another country. All this, my culture, my parents, the experience I gained, and the last three years in America turned me into a person who is proud of her body and feels secure about who she is sexually. Like almost every teenager I have a lot of problems, nevertheless, I’m happy with myself. A few years ago I had the exact same figure, but I kept complaining about my fat.

If I look back, I realize that I just desired to be somebody else, live another life. For a long time I was dating a guy who was totally into skiing. He used to be a competition skier and always pulled me down by telling me I needed to lose weight. I’m 5’4 and I have never weight more than 113 pounds. Nevertheless, I believed him and it took me a long time to get back to looking in the mirror and being satisfied with my female, nonexisting curves. Sex is very important to me. Actually, it’s not even sex. It’s being close to somebody, feeling that persons love, and knowing you are not alone.

In my opinion, it’s the best medication against depression, loneliness, and sadness. Even so I slept with people I haven’t been in a relationship with, I don’t appreciate it as much. Waking up next to the person who means the world to me is different from waking up next to a stranger or somebody you don’t know as well. My relationships always lasted long and I even got married last summer. Up from the beginning, I knew it wouldn’t work out but sometimes people do crazy things because it feels right at the moment. Two months ago I decided to move out and live my own life again.

Before my mother found my dad twenty years ago, she had a lot of different partners, just to find the right one. She is very wise and extraordinary smart, so I don’t judge her, no, I admire her. My grandparents have been together since 55 years and after my grandpa cheated on my grandma, they could never be happy again. I support divorces, gay people, and trying different things to find out who you are and what you want. Most of the time I just listen to my heart and go the way I think would make me the happiest. If I took the wrong path, I try another one.

I know that one day my journey will be ended and I’ll find total satisfaction, but I’m young and I don’t pressure myself. Having a family is important to me, but I’m not ready yet. Maybe in ten years, when I’m done with school and I have found the right person. Being a therapist is my highest goal and I need excitement in my life; settling down is not an option yet. Recently, I’ve been dating somebody very similar to me. Hopefully it’s the right way, but you never know. Listen to you heart! Just like the German culture taught me…

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